Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Importance of treating children equally and making them feel that way

بسم الله والحمد لله والصلاة والسلام على رسول الله ، وبعد

Part of good parenting is to treat the children equally and to make them feel that way. It is important that they feel that they are equally important as their siblings.

1. Treating children fairly:

Narrated An-Nu`maan bin Basheer رضي الله عنه: My mother asked my father to present me a gift from his property; and he gave it to me after some hesitation. My mother said that she would not be satisfied unless the Prophet was made a witness to it. I being a young boy, my father held me by the hand and took me to the Prophet . He said to the Prophet : “His mother, bint Rawahah, requested me to give this boy a gift.” The Prophet said: Do you have other sons besides him? He said: “Yes.” Thereupon he said: Have you given gifts to all of them like this (as you have given to Nu`maan)? He said: “No.” The Prophet said: Do not make me a witness for injustice. [or he said: I will not become a witness for injustice.]
[Saheehain]

 In another narration it is reported that Allaah’s Messenger said: Be afraid of Allaah, and be just to your children. My father then returned and took back his gift.
[Saheeh al-Bukhaaree]

And in another narration it is: Thereupon he said: Don't you expect goodness from them as you expect from him? He said: “Yes! Of course!” He said: I am not going to bear witness to it (as it is injustice). [And he also said: Observe equity amongst your children.]
[Saheeh Muslim]

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2. Making them feel that they are all equal in the eyes of the parents:

No Prophet of Allaah will do injustice with his children, but Shaitaan deceived the brothers of Yusuf عليه السلام into thinking that their father was partial towards Yusuf عليه السلام and his full brother, Binyamin.

Imaam Ibn Katheer رحمه الله commented about the brothers of Yusuf عليه السلام:
Allaah تعالى says that there are Aayaat, lessons and wisdom to learn from the story of Yusuf عليه السلام and his brothers, for those who ask about their story and seek its knowledge. Surely, their story is unique and is worthy of being narrated.

﴿إِذْ قَالُواْ لَيُوسُفُ وَأَخُوهُ أَحَبُّ إِلَى أَبِينَا مِنَّا﴾

{When they said: “Truly, Yusuf and his brother are dearer to our father than we...”} They swore, according to their FALSE THOUGHTS, that Yusuf and his brother Binyamin (Benjamin), Yusuf's full brother,

﴿أَحَبُّ إِلَى أَبِينَا مِنَّا وَنَحْنُ عُصْبَةٌ﴾

{are dearer to our father than we, while we are `Usbah}, meaning, a group. Therefore, they thought, how can he love these two more than the group,

﴿إِنَّ أَبَانَا لَفِى ضَلَلٍ مُّبِينٍ﴾

{really, our father is in a plain error} because he preferred them and loved them more than us.
--end of quote from Tafseer Ibn Katheer

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3. Exceptions:

A) When other siblings give their consent:

Question: A person may give preference to one of his children over the others based on the child’s piety, and kindness towards his parents. So it is correct to differentiate between them and to give the one who is more kind and pious, as a recompense for his kindness?

Shaikh Ibn Baaz رحمه الله: No doubt that some of the children are better than the others; and this is a known matter. But it is not the right of the father (or the parents) to give preference to the children based on that. Rather, he has to do justice, because of the saying of the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم: Be afraid of Allaah, and be just to your children.

So it is not allowed for him (the father) to give preference to one child over the other based on their merit – he is better than him, or he is more pious than him. Rather, he is to observe equity amongst them, and to keep advising all of them till they become pious and obedient to Allaah and His Messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم. But while giving something (as a gift), he should not give preference to one over the other, nor should he bequest for one over the other. All of them are to be treated equally and fairly while receiving inheritance and while receiving gifts – as per the laws of inheritance and giving gifts, as described in the Sharee`ah. Justice should be done between them as mentioned in the Sharee`ah; a male’s share will be equal to that of two females. Example: If a man gives to his sons a 1,000 Riyals (each), he should give his daughters 500 Riyals (each). But if they (the children) agree, and are willing to let go, and say: “give our brother such-and-such”; and they are clear about it. Example: if they say: “we permit you to give him a car”, or “give him such-and-such”, and it is clear to him (the father) that their permission is real and that it is not out of courtesy for the father or out of fear of him, then there is no problem with that.

In the end, the purpose is to deal equally amongst the children, except when the children themselves give permission – irrespective of if they are males or females – if they give permission that their sibling receives a gift for some special reason (or occasion), then there is no problem in that, and it is their right to make such a decision.

Source:


B) To prevent the child from spending in disobedience to Allaah:

Question: What if a person gives (gifts) to one of his children and he does not it to give the other, as the first one is obedient to him? So does he have a right to grant (gifts) to the obedient one and deprive the one who is disobedient?

Shaikh Ibn Taymiyyah رحمه الله: Upon a person is to do justice between his children (males and females) as Allaah تعالى and then His Messenger had commanded. It has been reported in the Saheehain [and he mentioned the above Hadeeth of Nu`maan Ibn Basheer رضي الله عنه]. But if the man favors one of them because of some valid (Shar`ee) reason, example: One is in need and is obedient to Allaah, whereas the other is rich but is disobedient and would use the wealth in disobedience if given to him. So if he gives to the one with encouragement towards obedience to Allaah and deprives the other to prevent him from disobedience to Allaah, then he has done well. 
[Majmoo` al-Fataawa (31/295)]

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